you actually think that would work

I have always known that no matter how you explain how you feel to others, they would never understand. Emotions, abstract as they are, are difficult to share.

Well, to explain them in a “it’s like this shit and it’s like that fuck…” fashion is easy. Like, well, “I’m feeling sad because somebody close to me died” or “I’m not in a good mood because I had a fight with somebody” are plain explanations and could be done even by those who are not experiencing the feeling.

But to actually share what you feel, to let others feel what you feel so that they could REALLY understand, well, it’s like telling somebody to fart for you.

Funny really because they say that to let go of the feeling and to make yourself feel better you need to share what you feel.

Now, tell me, how many times have you poured your guts out because you felt so fucked up and the only reaction you got is, “Okay, don’t worry, everything’s gonna be okay,” and you actually felt nice afterwards?

As if those words actually just erased your pain away, so to speak.

If they actually did well good for you, you have actually been so good in convincing yourself that the world is a big, fat, candy-colored shit.

Sorry about being cynical and all but it’s better than to actually lead or force myself to believe that such a pathetic line such as everything’s gonna be fine could actually make things fine.

I have stopped believing in Santa and the church a long time ago.

OF UNFINISHED INQUIRIES

If I tell you what I feel right now, would you think you could empathize? If I tell you that I have kept the things that have been bothering me so deeply that even I could not understand what they are, would you believe me?

What if I try to list down all the things that have been bothering me, do you think you could tell me which of them really bore deeply through me?

in solitude

have you ever wonder why there are relationships that do not work this question has always bothered me though people say i am not difficult to deal with once they know me. well, that is if they get a chance to know me. somehow, you wonder what makes relationships work - may it be grounded on friendship, blood relations, romance, among others. it makes you wonder what makes people hold on and what makes people let go.

maybe there are those who were destined to walk this world alone, in solitude. for if they happen to get attached with others, if they happen to entwine their lives with others, they only cause pain - if not for themselves, for the people they become close with. such miseries are avoidable if we only know how to become more giving and open-minded. oh, such words are sweet. if only they are achievable. because in this world, those people who give and understand are the only ones who get hurt and those who can't give and can't understand end up devouring those who can.

Of this genitalia-ruled society

I have failed you my child - or better yet, I have failed myself and what I believe in. I think I hold the banner of those who have been trampled upon by the bias concept of this genitalia-ruled society. Yet, I have been a hypocrite. I have become my own monster - my disappointment mirrors my views of my own sex. I am not worthy to be called a woman. For even as I bear you now and celebrate womanhood in its peak, I have shunned the idea that we, in your future life, are the same.

when my living ceased and nobody knows

i have finally put an end to my living

you should know

you see me

transformed into the dry, cracked statue that i am now

a mechanical fertility emblem

trying to look good in these odd clothes of motherhood -

no, i am not regretting

i have so long wished to cradle my child in my arms

but sometimes it just gets so new

so strange

that i have grown distant

and more

i have no one to talk to

it's not just a one-two-three step

Writing is a process - something that follows steps, procedures.

Writing is ideas expressed in words put together in order to become sentences that would later become paragraphs.

Writing is just another technical how-to that could easily be taught to anybody who is patient enough to follow its a, b, c's.

Oh, writing is just a process similar to tying one's shoelace or setting a computer.

If only these things were true about writing then I wouldn't have to worry about what to write for my blog entries. I wouldn't have to worry how to teach my Korean students how to write using the English language. I wouldn't have to worry writing about things that I really don't want to write about.

If writing is merely a process then escaping from my self would be as easy as 123. If only such things were true about writing, then half of the people I know, those who have used writing as a sort of medicine they need to maintain, would be sane.

Oh, if writing is just another process then I wouldn't have a hard time ending this entry.